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For that same reason, old man bars often are lacking in 21st Century TV technology. The old men want to have conversations if need be. Unlike dives, which often have killer jukeboxes, the volume is always low at old man bars. Even better, you never pay for food at an old man bar. The best old man bars have mini-buffets on their back wall as if a banquet is occurring soon, tiny Sternos heating up aluminum foil trays of foods you haven't seen in the non-old man bar world in decades (pot roast, Salisbury steak, potato skins if you're lucky).
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Old man bars often go for a simple potato chip display, a movie theater concession stand contraption for cooking hot dogs, or an ancient crock-pot with some chili simmering away. No one goes to dives to eat, and if you get hungry, they'll encourage you to order in from a huge binder of crinkled take-out menus residing under the bar. The food situation also differs at the two bars, even if neither have kitchens. You'd never ask for an Old Fashioned at a dive, though, lest you get roundly mocked. That was how an Old Fashioned was made when it was Newly Fashioned and these old men were young. If you're so bold as to ask for an Old Fashioned at an old man bar, the bartender-who, oddly, is often an old woman-will spoon a fruit cocktail's worth of bar garnishes into the bottom of a gotham-patterned rocks glass, then pour some Seagram's over that, perhaps spray-gunning a splash of soda water on top. Unlike dives, though, where shots are de rigueur, old man drinks exclusively come neat or poured over a pile of hotel ice machine-quality cubes. Disgraceful! The BoozeĪn old man bar's spirits selection likewise won't be much better than a dive's, with plenty of Canadian whiskey, blended Scotches, and lower-end bourbons from the iconic distilleries that were big in his youth. Hell, even dives have started carrying a pricey IPA or two. Maybe some canned classics like PBR, Schaefer, or Genny Cream.īut old men drink these beers non-ironically because they're so cheap, and what kinda asshole pays a lot for beer? Old men would be outraged to hear people spend a dollar an ounce for some of the fermented obscurities currently on the market. Cheap longnecks of peeling-label macrobrews pulled from a wet cooler. Like dives, old man bars have few taps, and if you ask for a beer list, the bartender will surely reply, "We got everything." "Everything" meaning Bud, Miller, Coors, and their lite counterparts. Other old men may study the Racing Form, even if there's nowhere nearby to bet on a race, or even watch one. Tabloid schlock like The Post or Daily News always cover the top of an old man bar just like dollar bills paper a strip club stage. Not books, certainly not smartphones (old men still have flip phones they keep turned off and in their cars' glove boxes), but newspapers. And while "not being able to see" is quite the lure at most dingy dives, especially if you want an excuse to lower your sexual standards, an old man bar's lighting needs to be diner-bright so the old men can read.
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Why? Because old men would not be able to even see in your prototypical dark dive. Here's a point-by-point breakdown of what's similar between the two, what's different, and which one's winning.
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Making things even more nettlesome, during a dive bar's daylight hours those questionable drinkers are almost always old men, because who else has the free time and disregard for their liver to start drinking at 11 a.m. Sure, both have bad lighting, low-class drinks, and countless questionable solo drinkers. Old man bars are often confused with dives, but I think it's time we finally differentiate between the two.